
Photo by Chance Agrella via Freerange Stock
I’ve previously been of the opinion that teaching kids stranger danger is like a fire drill: you practice your escape, but it’s destructive to spend every waking hour worried that the fire is going to happen.
Sitting around the dinner table with our 7-year-old son and 23-year old stepson, I brought up the topic of stranger danger and asked them to remember and recreate what they had each been taught, and what their views were about having conversations with strangers.
23-year old: “Things are so much worse now than when I was a child. When I was young I used to not be worried about something bad happening to me but now I am more worried. I remember Dad saying to me that if anybody ever says: “Don’t tell your parents, or something really bad will happen” then that’s always the signal to DEFINITELY tell your parents!”
7-year old: Umm. “Well, I will say hi if I’m passing someone down the street and I can talk to any strangers if you and Dad are there. If I’m in a shop and you’re in the other aisle and I’m feeling bad about someone talking to me I’ll just come and find you.”
Me: “And if you can’t find me?”
7-year old: “I dunno. Yell out for you, I guess.”
Me: “And if I don’t hear you?”
7-year old: “Umm….Dunno.“
Me (quietly despairing): “Can you remember our discussion about going up to or calling out to anyone who works there who is wearing a uniform? Or if you can’t find someone who works there, then you should go up to any woman with kids in the store who is not with the person who is bugging you?”
7-year old: “Uh…Nope.”
Me: “What if you’re walking down the street and a man you don’t know comes up to you and says hello?”
7-year old: “Say hello back.”
Me: “And if he asks you where you live?”
7-year old: “I’d say back there, down the street.”
Me: “And what if he asks you where your parents are?”
7-year old: (now seeing the shocked look on his older brother’s face) “Umm…lie and tell him that my parents aren’t here but I’m being looked after a babysitter at home?” (Brightening as he finally remembers something) “And if he offers me any candy to go with him somewhere, say no because I know you will give me twice as much for not going with him.”
Arrrrgh! We’ve always been so proud of how charming our young one is with friends, family and people who visit. He’s a naturally open kid who looks people in the eye, grins at their jokes and hugs them before going to bed. We absolutely love that. However I had no idea how much he had forgotten about our stranger danger discussions, usually delivered by me every few months as we’re driving along in the car. I realized that as Community Manager of
MiniMonos, I've been super-focussed on kids' online safety in the last few months, but hadn’t checked-in to see that my child remembers what to do in real-world situations. Big fat Oops.
So the question for us is: how far do we push the ‘don’t talk to strangers’ rule and how often should we remind him about potential dangers? The last thing we want is for our son to be suspicious and fearful so that his relationships with adults sink to the lowest common denominator but, like a fire drill, if he’s at risk or in trouble then we want to make sure we’ve equipped him with well-rehearsed ways to escape.
If we make ‘don’t talk to stranger’ rules, which in many situations can be weird (I’m sure the elderly woman 3 doors down wouldn’t have the least desire to abscond our son when she chats to him over the fence) could that detract from his ability to learn and trust his own judgment of people as he gets older? And the statistics suggest that 90% of abuse cases are from someone the child knows, not a stranger. It’s vitally important that our son is aware of any warning signs -- but what really constitutes a warning sign?
I found these excellent ‘10 rules for kids’ from Safety 4 Kids, which we’ll be talking about over the dinner table tonight:
The Super-Ten Safe-Smarts Rules For Kids and Grownups!
1. I am special and I have the right to be SAFE!
2. I know my name, address and phone number...and my parents' cell phone number, too.
3. Safe Grownups Don't Ask Kids for Help. (They go to other adults for assistance.)
4. I don't keep SECRETS from my parents. (No one should tell a child to keep a secret from their parents, especially another adult.)
5. I never go ANYWHERE or take ANYTHING from someone I don’t know...no matter what they say.
6. I always ASK FIRST and get permission before: I go anywhere, change my plans, or accept something...even if it's from someone I know.
7. Everybody's bathing suit areas are private. No bathing suit area games allowed.
8. I don't have to be POLITE to anyone who makes me feel scared or uncomfortable. It's okay to say NO! even to a grownup if I have to.
9. If I ever get lost in a public place, I can FREEZE AND YELL or go to a MOM WITH KIDS and ask for help.
10. It's not my fault if someone tries to touch me in a "weird" or uncomfortable way. I will always tell a safe grownup if I feel scared or confused about any touches. And I will keep telling until I get help.
How do you handle stranger danger with your kids?